This is why I never "succeeded"

Over the past 5(ish) years, I’ve done a lot. I’ve published over 300 blogs, written hundreds of songs (including a song-a-day challenge in 2023), started and grew 3 websites, took on writing clients through Upwork, broke into the digital marketing space as a freelancer in SEO/content strategy/publishing, traveled in Japan (a lot…), got more confident with music production and singing, started a meditation routine, found some clarity…and lots more.

And yet, somehow, I seem to have fallen behind.

I have less money from when I started and most of my projects have either remained stagnant or become vacant due to algorithm updates (my Upwork account even got flagged recently because a client mentioned moving off platform for better rates).

I’m left with dwindling clients, no savings, and website traffic that’s slowly disappearing — and yet, I’m continuing to push out fresh content and pursue this dream of mine.

So, what gives?

Am I doing things wrong?

And more importantly, what do I do moving forward?

Do I double down on what’s clearly not working — or do I make a change?

Maybe you can relate to some of this — it’s a familiar road, bumpy and full of obstacles.

If you read my last email, you’ll know about this whole sob story of mine — so my apologies if I sound like a broken record or like I’m complaining. Because honestly, I’m not complaining. I swear it!

I’m just providing some context (and hopefully some relatability) — that if you’re also struggling with slow results, zilch for growth or no “success”, just know that you’re not alone.

This is the journey.

I see my past few years as a necessary phase in my creative life — for testing, exploration and growth.

Success — growth — is not linear. You don’t fully appreciate or believe this reality until you’ve actually lived it. It’s how we all pay our dues.

If something is too easy, there’s no growth (it is called growing pains, after all).

And to be perfectly honest, recently I’ve been using content creation as a form of procrastination.

I’ve been writing and talking about creative projects more than actually creating them. It was an illusion of productivity. So I’m happy it didn’t quite work out like I’d hoped for — because now I’m forced to focus on the things I’ve been avoiding.

Now that I have this epic gift of hindsight, I can clearly look backwards and see exactly why I’ve been struggling so much and not succeeding in my many ventures and creative efforts.

This is why I never succeeded.

Why I never succeeded

I always had a fear of putting in the work needed to pursue my true passions. It wasn’t just creative laziness.

I had a deep-seated fear of failure and making mistakes. And I knew that it was going to be a hard and painful journey to fine-tune my skills, put myself out there, look dumb and deal with lots of rejection.

But even beyond this big internal battle, I had another issue.

I was trying to do everything, everywhere, all at once. My focus was split between various projects and so, my energy was forced to ration between them.

I couldn’t commit to any single thing — not fully, at least. I had one foot in the door on way too many doors.

So now, I’m letting go of all the things that don’t align — let go or be dragged, as they say?

The more I let such things fall away, the more I feel space opening up (in my mind and in my daily schedule).

It’s refreshing. And it feels like flow.

So I’m committing to a singular focus (more or less).

Here’s a before/after to highlight what I mean:

This was my focus BEFORE

• 3 blogs

• 2 Instagrams

• X

• 2 Newsletters

• A YouTube channel (while setting up a second one to launch)

• Teaching ESL online

• Doing regular work as a freelancer

• Trying to pursue:

  • Music

  • Art

  • Start a creative agency

  • Find more clients for my digital skills (writing, SEO, etc.)

  • Make travel videos/films

  • Create more vlogging videos

  • Grow 3 blogs (it used to be 4)

  • Create digital products (printables, art prints, etc.)

  • Write 4 ebook freebies (still sitting as unfinished documents)

  • Sell on Etsy (digital products, Squarespace templates, etc.)

  • Affiliate marketing for various programs

  • Launch a new Creator Growth program by the new year

There are probably more side quests and random weekend obsessions I’ve all but forgotten about. But you get the point — it’s a lot.

And the result of all this effort? Not much.

I received no tangible results or growth. I somehow still felt like I was doing nothing. All I got was mental and emotional exhaustion and lots of stress and frustration.

Why? Because I knew deep down I wasn’t pursuing the things I really wanted — not fully at least…

(I did grow A LOT and gained invaluable skills, insights and clarity though!)

This is my focus NOW

• 1 Instagram (*maybe YT)

• Only art + music (while traveling, of course 😁)

• Capturing the journey as passion content creation

Aligned, singular(ish) focus is my priority now.

And honestly, doesn’t this new list just look and feel way better and less stressful?!

Of course, I’m also still doing my work work (freelancing) in the meantime (I got bills!). But I’m investing in — nay, I’m betting on — myself moving forward.

I’m going all-in on one thing — the thing that I actually truly want, deep down. I am an artist. A creator. A musician.

What about you? Have you truly gone all-in on yourself and your dreams?

I’ve always had a fear of failure, of embarrassment. And I always got distracted by too many shiny objects. I fell for self-limiting beliefs, thinking I needed to pursue a “safe” route (like freelancing in SEO or writing for business clients) — you know, something secure and stable.

Boooorrrrrring! (for me, at least — for other people, this work may be perfect).

But for me, this “safe” work feels like nails on a chalkboard. And yet, I kept on pursuing it (with half energy), because I thought it was the only way to find sustainable financial freedom and independence (so I could finally just do art and music full time).

But that was all bullshit. Because that path never worked at all for me, and I felt incredibly misaligned, unhappy and uncomfy doing it.

I don’t regret it though. I learned lots of tangible skills like writing, SEO and branding.

But if you believe in signs or signals, I’m pretty sure this is a big one: when you’re doing something for years, watching everyone else around you do the same thing, following the same path and using the same formulas as you, only to succeed much quicker while you struggle for scraps and are left behind feeling drained and unhappy…maybe it’s because that thing is not meant for you. At least, not in the way you think it is.

It’s hard to know when to double down (with discipline) and when to move on. Intuition helps here. So does testing, self awareness and patience.

But I think I know what to do now.

And so, fine. I’ll pivot — message received, universe! 😅

Focus is Believing in Yourself / Doing Too Much is Doubting Yourself